The White Gator

The White GatorThere is an old folk truism about baby alligators.

The story goes that all kinds of dangers befall baby alligators.  Big fish eat them.  Snapping turtles eat them.  Flamingos eat them.  Ospreys eat them.  Adult alligators eat them.  Racoons.  Otters.  Panthers.  Herons.  Water snakes.  You name it; every creature in the swamp eats baby alligators.  Less than 10 per cent of them live until their first birthday.  If they do?  Well, by that time they’re about 5 feet long…and they spend the rest of their lives getting even.

I love alligators–our living relics of prehistory.  I love that every year some asshole in Florida gets eaten by one.  They get it into their booze-addled brains that you can swim on up on one of these dinosaurs like they’re pets or something.  It’s always some jerk-off and his asshole friend with the video camera who winds up recording the joyous carnage.  I also love the footage of the crying old ladies who can’t find their chihuahuas or yorkies, and they just happen to live next to the inter-coastal canal.

The smart golfer in Florida?  He gets the fuck OFF the course when he sees an alligator lounging in the fairway.  They look slow; they’re no.  They can run about 30 miles an hour in short bursts.  In other words, long enough to catch my pasty white ass.

Albino alligators are rare but they DO occur in nature and are astoundingly beautiful in their own weird way.

The American alligator was damned near extinct years ago and were put on the endangered list.  They recovered quickly and now the fuckers are everywhere.  My advice is stay the fuck out of their way.  Don’t try to feed them.  They eat better than you do.  Don’t try to get close; buy a telephoto lens.  When you see a  baby alligator, get the fuck gone.  Mom’s around and protective as hell; she will eat your ass.  When they ask for volunteers at the alligator farm to wrestle the alligator, don’t do it.   The alligator will kick your ass and may whack you with its tail which can break your spine like a Triscuit.

What can a Gator Girl superhero do?  Who knows.  She could for sure eat your ass if you cocked off to her and maybe she could be useful in the area of asshole removal.  I just thought she would make a really boss superhero who would have no problems with basic superhero skills like intimidation and persuasion.  I’m guessing she could pretty much sit wherever she wants and could probably discourage any ass-hat behavior in her presence.

Albino alligators in captivity must be kept in the dark to protect them from the sun.  The albino gene leaves them defenseless from sunlight.  They also have pinkish eyes.  There is one in the Knoxville Zoo and people don’t believe they are real until they slide into the water or blink their eyes.   It is an odd dichotomy; a deadly creature, rendered as vulnerable as an infant by sunlight.  Odd, beautiful, lethal and biologically flawed–like all of us.

Published in: on August 5, 2010 at 12:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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