Baby, I’m a Bad Man

Baby, I'm a Bad Man

It is amazing how easy it is to be the kind of guy women don’t like.  Get caught laughing at an off-color joke–or worse yet; making one…be observed staring a little too long at a pleasant ass or pair of breasts, and you’re a pig, a cur, a Cro Magnon misogynist and you just don’t get it!

I suppose women wear low-cut blouses and tight jeans so you will spend more time looking at their shoes. A gal plops down the 5K for the after-market ta-tas so you can look her in the eye and discuss Nietzsche.  She spends all of that time in the gym, firming up her ass, so you can have a meaningful discourse about clean energy and gender identity issues.

Who are you kidding? You want us to look. . .and you want us to long.

Even nuns can’t walk by a mirror without checking to see if the new habit makes their ass look big.

I had a woman comment that a lot of the depictions of women in my work were shapely, comely types and what was my problem with real women? Actually, nothing. I just like drawing shapely, comely naked women, and what is it to you if I do? It’s not like I do this at your expense. I do it because I feel like it.  And if you don’t like it. . .go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut!  It’s none of your business Gert!

You don’t like it, don’t look at it.


There are plenty of artists who draw and paint every kind of body type so that everyone is represented. The late Phillip Pearlstein comes to mind as does the late, great Lucien Freud. They painted all manner of women’s (and men’s) bodies.

In the canon, every physical type is represented. Some people just don’t like that we enjoy the Christina Hendricks model more than the Andrea Dworkin one.

Well, boo-hoo, big fucking deal, and mind your own business. I don’t tell you not to drool into your rack every Sunday night over Mad Men’s John Hamm, do I? Or try to stop your eyes from glazing over when the David Beckham commercial comes on?Right?

I just don’t like the same things you like.

I watch Game of Thrones every Sunday night.  If we are all a dork about something, well, this is my preferred Dorkdom. There is a lot of nudity, savage fucking, stabbings, beheadings, decapitations and gore. Is this why I watch the show? Fuck yes, it is. Mostly for the myriad of pleasant breasts and wide, fine booty.

They didn’t hire a bunch of size 4’s for this show. They went somewhat voluptuous and bless those perverts for doing so. There is every kind of sexual abomination in Game of Thrones; brother/sister (not the Alabama, barn-yard version, complete with the wide foreheads and disappearing chins) but two very attractive actors who, in real life, could not possibly be related, hammering away doggie-style.

There is the one disturbo queen, who is still breast-feeding her 13-year old son.  A good case for some of these folks to get out more. . .maybe expand the gene pool a bit.

Game of Thrones is earthy sex, full-on frontal nudity and bush-shots. It appears, guys, that the bush is back after nearly two decades of waxing and otherwise shaving the cookie, Game of Thrones is making an argument for the bush, in many different hues and colors.

There is also little person sex wherein the Marlon Brando of the smaller people, Peter Dinklage, gets more pussy than Sinatra and as well he should; he is an infinitely finer actor than Frank.  In fact, Dinklage carries the whole show; the moral center who also fucks trollops like a wild animal.  I love this guy.  He may have to stand on a box to kick a duck in the ass, but he is no slouch in the getting trim department. In fact many women I’ve talked to have quite brazenly told me, “I’d fuck him. I’d let him ride me like a baloney pony.”

All right then.

And then you have your prudes who have to hate this stuff merely because you like it.  Your Santorum-type,joyless D-bags. . .the hall monitors. There is a very easy way of not being offended in this world. If you don’t like it? Don’t watch it. Every television I’ve ever seen comes with an off-switch and many channels. Watch Lawrence Welk reruns.  They’re on Channel 17 on Comcast and once in a while they’re fun. (I saw a cut-rate Conway Twitty-type singing “One Toke Over the Line, Sweet Jesus” with a wannabe Donna Fargo on it one night from about circa 1969.  They thought it was a religious song. YouTube this fucker. Damn, it’s funny.)

Even Mad Men has had some raw sexual situations on it. Last night.John Slattery got whistled by the cougar-y French mother-in -law of Jon Hamm’s character at a private awards dinner. Like I said,she was French.

Every time I think America is getting less puritanical, (and hypocritical) the mouth-breathers come forth stamping their feet and running their head about what you and I should be able to watch. When feminists join in the fray, they align themselves with the crowd who would tell them they’ve no right to dominion over their own bodies. That they are baby-makers and this is their value.  These are the voices that scare me.

More importantly, it might mean there is less nudity out there. And who the hell wants that?  Know this: when you see lots of naked people on TV,banging like screen-doors, it’s a good sign that you are still free.

Published in: on May 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. hey tony,

    i truly love your art, and your writing… : )


  2. The problem is that many women and men have never been valued for who they are. Not by their parents and not by their friends. They have been brought up to think that their breasts, pants, shoes, cars, dicks and whatever else there is, IS where their value comes from. If their parents spent a bit more time on nurturing their humanity and teaching them about self value they would not think that they have to walk around half naked to be noticed and respected. It’s called developmental psychology. Cheers mate.

  3. the genders are blurring and these conversations are truly necessary. i agree that the feminists are their own worst enemy at times – it can’t be a double standard for women or for men and should be an honest norm for all. men SHOULD be men as women SHOULD be women. and i agree with Simon – initial value is key to our success. again and as usual, thank you, Tony. wonderful words.

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